While I was poking about in the dusty cupboard that houses our Presidential Library, looking in vain for that inspiration, two names sprang from the annals (yes, with a double n, thank you) time and time again: Ben Greaves and Neil Spence. And what’s this we have before us this week? Yes, from the dark side of the pail, it’s Old Crocodilians, a team coached by the very same gentlemen.

Unless you have had your head pushed firmly up a dark passage since the turn of the century you will only be too well aware of the contribution Benny and Spenner have made to the Bees over the last few years. I don’t have an exact record of how many first team games Benny played for the Bees, but between 2004 and last season, my count is that he played 230 games for us. As Benny started in the first team some 6 years earlier than that his total number of appearances must be somewhere nudging the 400 mark, which in today’s era is remarkable. Spenner didn’t quite run up that total, but because I am that sort of a nerd, I know he played exactly 91 times for us between 2005 and 2009, scoring 14 tries. Even though Neil has now hung up his playing boots and will be in the Crocs dug out tomorrow, I am sure he will still be marginally offside.

And I am sure you will all help in pointing them both to the AWAY dressing room before the game.

Lumpy; that was my watchword before a ball was kicked and indeed for those of you who made the trudge southward to Dinnington last week, I think lumpy remains apt. I was going to describe our first half performance as “turgid” but having looked it up, turgid actually means swollen or fast flowing, but for a good fifty minutes there was little on offer from the Bees side of the ball that even qualified as turgid. Dinnington were definitely the better side and it is a fair bet that not too many sides will come away from there with too many points.

The men from South Yorkshire obviously know how to play on Hamburger Hill as they swarmed down the slope like demented scots in a Mel Gibson film, in the first half. They clearly tired in the last twenty when it was their turn to defend against the tide. The Bees finally recovered their mojo in that final session but just as we seem to breech the home defence, the official did not seem overly keen on helping us get over the old whitewash. There were a couple of odd penalties for obstruction just as Richard Tafa broke clear which turned us round and back up the hill; but if we were all Weetabix in a world of Cheerios, things might look different.

Our loss was obviously a slight thick ear, but at least there were three other sides that got a worse cuffing, so if we were to draw up a league table, we would be currently sitting in a dramatic 11th position in the table, which is at least out of the relegation mire after week 1. ; Those unfortunate bottom feeders, keeping us away from hell fire and damnation, are Rochdale, Horden and Northern.

So, what the blinking flip can we say about Saturday’s fixture?

Well, I don’t want to jinx our chances, so I will keep my comments to a minimum. Obviously we played Old Crocs last season, but for what it’s worth that match up with the Crocs was here at Wagon Lane in the Yorkshire Cup on Saturday 1st February 2014 and the sides that turned out will have little in common with those that jog out on Saturday.

We claimed the spoils by 24 points to 9. For the record, the Bees points came through tries from Benny Greaves, bagging a brace, then Dan Cookson and Jordan Davies. The Bees starting line-up was a front row of Si Hill, Josh Greenfield and Roger Raper; the second row was Harry Jeffrey and Luke Peacock. Behind them the back row was Dave Barden, Tom Cummins and Rob Harrison. The backs started with Kirk Arundale, Henry Paul at half backs; wings of Tom Gough and James Morton, the centres were Benny Greaves and Rikki Sherriffe with Nick Gore starting a full back.

What about this weekend’s other games, I hear that voice in my head asking.

I call her Muriel.

As it is only week 2 of this infant season I don’t think there is much we can read into the fixtures, but I suppose match of the day, aside from our epic roll in the hay, obviously, is Driffield versus Alnwick where the top two after week 1 go head to head.

As the game is at Alnwick perhaps that gives our northernmost Monkeys the advantage. Their victory away from home at Northern was obviously highly commendable and deserves a gold star in teacher’s register. Our opponents from last week, Dinnington, have a chance to pitch themselves up there at the top table as they have another home fixture, when Phil Greaves’ former club, West Hartlepool, come a-calling. I think they might just do it as well.

On the opposite side of the draw to Dinnington are their near neighbours Sheffield, who face a second road trip when they have to schlepp across to Rochdale. They were only just pipped 22-20 at West Hartlepool last week, so they might fancy pulling away with four at The Dale. If they do, then a return of 5 points from two road trips is not too shabby.

I will take my leave and see you behind the bike sheds.

Pip Pip

Scoop.