So after the Chester mauling we piled into the Presidential jalopy and after a quick stop at Primani to acquire some high quality bed linen we drove off to the appointed location., Prompted by the Chairman of Rugby, who was already in his jammies, we paid our money and entered the arena. There was a collective intake of breath when we realised we had misread the original invite and we were actually at the World Pillow Biting Championships. As no-one was prepared to take one for the team, we were swiftly back on the road and back at Bee Central before the First team got back…and no one was any the wiser.

As we are awash with finest Primani bedding, I am sure we can make amends by having an unholy set to in the top bar after the game on Saturday evening, if the results go our way. However, before we all get giddy and start thinking that far ahead, ironing our nighties and all that, there is the small matter of some Rugby Football to sort out. I will come back to further ruminations on our ongoing battle for survival with Birkenhead Park, but before we dive under those particular petticoats, let’s have a rumba round the floor with the results from last week.

Actually as there are only five teams in the division who still have any active interest in what’s what for the rest of the season – Sandal, Chester and Follyfoot Farm at the top of the division, us and BP down among the dead men – I won’t bother with a full examination of all seven games from last weekend, just those that have some bearing on the top shelf and the bottom drawer.

We start with Birkenhead Park who entertained the men from near a National Park, Penrith. I really believed that Birkenhead would be too strong for Penrith as it always a tough one at Upper Park and Penrith have largely been unable to hit an elephant with a banjo away from home this term. Indeed the BP boys were winning this game as the hour mark ticked by, 22-13, but then conceded three tries in the final twenty. They also failed to claim a bonus point as they lost by eight and did not manage to score 4 tries.

There is no particular reason to review our trip to Chester, as we came a fairly distant second. We will sweep that one under the carpet and move quickly along to Harrogate’s excellent win at Percy Park. Reading the report on the Old Folly’s website it seems that the key words in the performance were “pace”, “guile”, “strength” which I suppose reflects how we saw The Gate play when we took them on in the mud the other week.

Next up, Sandal hosted Kendal. What can we say about Sandal? The 119 points they blitzed past the men from Mint Bridge must be some sort of record in this division. I think we once ran 115 past Scarborough a few years back and that was some sort of high water mark, so the 119 must have replaced us in the old ledger. I haven’t bothered seeking out a match report because I don’t think there will be much we can learn from it, other than Kendal got absolutely tonked.

Before we get on with a look at today’s fixtures around the division, just a couple of reminders for you to try and gee up some interest in some rugby that is going on down here. First of all don’t forget we have one more league fixture, down here on Saturday 27th April, kicking off at 3pm, when our close adversaries Birkenhead Park come to town. Obviously we hope that the issues with relegation will all be resolved and the game will be an enjoyable romp in the sunshine to end the season, but if we haven’t got a resolution by then, surely this is the one game we need to get everyone associated with the Bees down to Wagon Lane to support Fordy and the boys.

The week after we are hosting the Bill Beaumont Cup game between Yorkshire and Cheshire, again kicking off at 3pm. Tickets for that game are £8.00 for over 18s. All juniors are free. The prices are set by Yorkshire RFU so please don’t shoot this particular messenger. We are also hoping to have tickets to a pre-match lunch available, further details of which can be obtained from Tony Rae or Glen Shaw. If you know who these men are, please poke them with a stick. I’ve never heard of them. Just kidding…this is just a ruse to see how many folk read this, as the stick poking is the most reliable method of measuring stuff on the web.

Another thing I must mention is the Club Dinner which is on Friday 3rd May. The dinner was originally going to be on Friday 26th April, but the rescheduling of the Birkenhead Park game rather put the mockers on the First team being able to join in the knees up. Details of the Club dinner can also be tweezered out of Benji Pickin, Glen Shaw or Peter Rae. I am sure they can also be garnered from elsewhere on this website.

So what of this coming weekend?

The “big game” in the division is obviously the one taking place at Old Follyfoot where Betty’s Yorkshire Rascals are hosting Sandal. I have The Gate as slight favourites as they are on home turf.

A five point win for the home side would all but guarantee them the title, although Billingham away could possibly be a final banana skin next week. If Betty’s boys only muster a 4 pointer, that shouldn’t really change things too much as they are 4 clear of Chester, but it does get a tad more interesting if the result goes the other way.

A Sandal win, with the Gate not managing any bonus points, and Chester grabbing a five pointer at Penrith, would shift the advantage to Chester, by a point as we hurtle into the last week. If the Gate finish with a single point, that is the result which would probably generate the most trembling of the knees across the division, as it would mean it all comes down to the last game of the season, with Chester possibly holding the nap hand as they are at home against Rossendale and have scored the most points in the division and all those other things that decide league position… but it doesn’t bear thinking about as it all gets far too complicated for a simple soul like your correspondent. I would have to wear two anoraks and a cagoule to work out the possible combinations of who trumps who…

I always find myself ever so slightly unwilling to be generous to The Gate about anything whatsoever, even their blessed planning permission. So I would like to see Wakey’s finest go up their and do them over. However, I can’t see the chinless ones folding on their own turf after going 11 or 12 games undefeated. Having said that, Angus’s boys are now on a roll of 17 games undefeated so they are not going to roll over without some pushing and shoving.

Chester travel to Penrith this afternoon, which would have possibly be seen to be a sticky wicket, if you’d asked at the start of the season, but you didn’t. However, if the ground has dried out I can’t see the Penrith defence being able to stop the Chester backline, unless they have planted bear traps along the twenty two. I think Chester are safely going to collect five points from that one, which pulls them to 104 points going into the last game of the season.

As for our own scrap for survival, it comes down to pretty simple maths really. Park are 12 points adrift with a maximum 15 on offer. So, as long as we get the same number of points as Birkenhead today, then we are safe. If we don’t, then essentially BP has to get two points or more than we do to stay alive: if we get two points and they claim five, this would leave them nine points behind us with 10 available…oh you can do the maths.

Birkenhead faces Rossendale at Marl Pits this weekend. Rossendale have won 8 from 11 on their own patch this season and have an average of over 40 points a game tucked under the wing. So, it’s another toughie for Birkenhead if they want to keep their season alive. Come on you Rossendale!

So, back to Percy Park and what do we know? We won over at their spot in December and at the time that was only the third dent in their home record in two years. Since that game, the PP home form has not been at its sumptuous best. Conversely their away record is fourth best in the division, which is where they reside in the full table.

Percy Park’s top scorer is Ashley Smith who has 198 points thus far this season, which is 37% of his side’s total points for the year. Top try scorer who has 11, is Alistair Blair. Percy Park are one of those sides where the majority of their scores come through the backline. The backs have run in 47, where the fat lads have notched a mere 12 between. A further seven have come off the bench with a single penalty try.

As a final note before I climb back into the formaldehyde, we have a limited injury report from The Bees changing room this week. Benny Greaves is still having treatment on his sore shoulder, but has a fair chance of lining up out on the greensward come 3pm Saturday. Brett Mitchell has a sore knee after it gave way last week at Chester. A call was made to the local beached whale rescue team as Carney lolled about on the half way line, but fortunately the knee then seemed to click back in and he was able to hobble to side line without any help from the Coast Guard. Having spoken to Benji on the old telling bone, it seems Brett is an unlikely participant this Saturday. And a very Happy Birthday as well, young man, for today, (Wednesday).

See you soon.

Scoop.

Below: Brett Mitchell, with knee intact.